whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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