he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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