I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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