Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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