Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I enjoy the company of your penis
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
