I molested 6 butterflies tonight
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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