I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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