the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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