Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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