Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just pee around me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
