I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
