Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
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