If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
