idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
