Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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