ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
