Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
