I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
