omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
