dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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