i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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