It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
