Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
