he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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