she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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