The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
