My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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