I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
