Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
