A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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