9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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