he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
