I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
