My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
