Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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