im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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