nut hugger
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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