I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
