So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
