Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
