maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
