It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
