just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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