New low: just hacked my moms facebook
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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