you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
