Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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