Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
