you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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