I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
