Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
