Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
