just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
