Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
