my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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