his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
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