Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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