Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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