I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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